The second session of IYC began yesterday; and it's mixed results. The people are definitely more interesting than last week. The two Polish boy Niki and Voytejkt are really sweet, and apparently Niki likes me. So says Voytejkt.
Which is my concern, because as my trusted friends know, I have issues with commitment. I want the happiness of my icon, which is why I keep it like that. But I am still stuck in some Hollywood fantasy of me and someone else, which I know will never, ever happen. I've been thinking a lot about Darcy and his eyes. He's such a loner, he's so shy, that I'm too scared to talk to him. It seems he has the same issues as me, but he is one of those people who I can barely look at, because of his eyes. They are so pretty it makes me forget my trains of thought.

Lauren's here and I'm finally realizing how uptight I am. I know I have to get rid of it if I want to be an actress. Or if I want to fulfill my dreams. Me and Lauren are writing a musical, with a character from Ema. I was really excited about it and I really hope we can make it work. My dreams are what I have right now.

What I want more than anything right now is the one thing I have forced out of my head. Wonderful.

The second session of IYC began yesterday; and it's mixed results. The people are definitely more interesting than last week. The two Polish boy Niki and Voytejkt are really sweet, and apparently Niki likes me. So says Voytejkt.
Which is my concern, because as my trusted friends know, I have issues with commitment. I want the happiness of my icon, which is why I keep it like that. But I am still stuck in some Hollywood fantasy of me and someone else, which I know will never, ever happen. I've been thinking a lot about Darcy and his eyes. He's such a loner, he's so shy, that I'm too scared to talk to him. It seems he has the same issues as me, but he is one of those people who I can barely look at, because of his eyes. They are so pretty it makes me forget my trains of thought.

Lauren's here and I'm finally realizing how uptight I am. I know I have to get rid of it if I want to be an actress. Or if I want to fulfill my dreams. Me and Lauren are writing a musical, with a character from Ema. I was really excited about it and I really hope we can make it work. My dreams are what I have right now.

I use the word 'love' very frequently. It applies to friends and family and actors and songs and photos and clothes. I love the way city lights look against a dark velvet sky. I'm not afraid to say "i love you" at the end of conversations. But what people don't understand is that although I say love frequently and seemingly without care, I mean it. I really do love my friends and the movie Rent and the two-second period between when I step on a leaf and I hear it crunch. I love so much of life that I can't constrict it to a countable amount of things. Some of them are in the abstract; like the feeling you get when you realize that everything will be alright. Some are solid, like being hugged tight by someone you love, and then have them swing you around like you were three again. Watching smiles break onto the faces of people like the sun breaking through the clouds on a cold day. Warm hot chocolate after a day of snow. Laughing over something that happened yesterday. Capturing a moment that will live, eternally, in your mind. Freezing happiness in a photo. Six-hour phone conversations where you never run out of things to say. Slow-dancing to your favorite song. The last bite of an Oreo, the rough rope edges of a swing as you fly upwards and let yourself fall back. Hearts and stars and yearbooks and friendship anklets. I love these things with passion, and I have enough of it to make every time the word love is spoken count.
And maybe it's just because I have a concussion, but I am so happy I can love like this.

So lately, I've been thinking about New York City, the city that supposedly never sleeps. This is why I feel a gravitational pull towards the it, because it stays awake and alive, down to the small hours of morning. Because in certain parts, it stays light until the sun comes up. Because some places don't even open until two AM, so I would never have the fear of staying up alone. When I think about what I want to do with my life, it consists of countless Broadway shows, movie premiers, paintings and photographs. A collage of art. I don't want to be confined to a nine-to-five job, don't want to get sick of the same, repetitive work. I want to do everything I can.




I like the fall. I also like the summer, and some parts of the winter, but fall has always been my favorite, for two reasons. One was because both my birthday and Halloween were in the fall, my two favorite holidays. Another was because school started and just like every year I would attempt to reinvent myself. But what I liked most about the fall, what I still like most about the fall, is the color. It is July and the summer seems to be slipping through my fingers. The summer excitement I had planned for this year didn't fall through, and so I a sailing off in a different direction. Literally. Sailing camp is different that I expected, but still good. Me and my two partners in crime like it, and with a little exaggeration, we might make a nice G-rated summer movie. Sailing is a lot like life. Tilt too much to one side, you fall. Sometimes you need to let out the sails and turn a new way to keep from the murky depths. And when you fall, it takes some work and help from a few friends to get back up.

I wish I had a Roger to counter my Mimi. Everyone is just searching for recognition, whether it is in the form of two million screaming teenage fans or just that one special someone, who doesn't want to be wanted? I see all the love stories and romantic comedies and wonder, does any Allie ever find their Noah? Mimi their Roger? Collins their Angel? I think that there is an extreme difference between finding love and losing it because the one you love dies, and finding love and losing it because your love for that person dies. The first one is so much truer. I want to find someone. Along with every other teenage girl on the planet.

Today was the first fourth of July that I have ever spent outside of the United States, the second time I've ever spent it outside of Massachusetts. Although I miss living in Boston with a deep, longing ache, I no longer thirst for the comfortable similarity it offers.  I've found that recently, anything, anywhere, that can turn me into someone else is preferable. It's not that I don't like my life, because I do, but the idea of putting on another's skin is so intriguing.  How many times have you wondered how life would be different if you weren't born as you? If you had a different family or birthplace? I suppose it's why I like acting so much, because for however long you are on stage you are someone else. Whether you are Lady Macbeth or Christmas Eve, you waive your identity to try out someone else's. Occasionally I don't need a costume and stage make up; sometimes normal situations work their magic.  Watching fireworks in the dark, color exploding into the vast, open sky; or walking a few paces ahead of my family when in Times Square where I can breathe in the light; I can be anyone. People ask me where I get my inspiration for my stories, and I tell them I don't know. The truth is, every character is an alter-ego of mine. What if my parents decided to become part of the Peace Corps and I was sent to Los Angeles to live with my cousins? What if I never really fell out of the shadow that swamped me a year ago? Who would I have been if my parents were different, if I grew up in New York City instead of a small suburb of Boston? These, only a handful of my unlived life stories, are what really spark my imagination. I have come to call this process the Dream Project. This morning I woke up to a gray, leaking sky. Happy Independence Day, I thought, rather bitterly. The slow, lazy rain persisted throughout the day, erasing the hope I had of fireworks at night, of a semi-normal Fourth. So I found solace in the thought of this coming New Year's Eve, which I will spend in my beloved Time's Square.  It is funny, how the only places I find comfort these days are those I don't know. I have a need to express myself, usually in a place where it would be my first impression, because I am living all my stories; a tiny bit at a time in the minds of people who don't know me.